Jokes Thread ....

[OneShot]

There are a number of threads on this forum with jokes, but they get lost over time and sometimes they get posted twice or more times (with a delay between them of course). So why not have a dedicated jokes thread ? Worked well in other forums I've visited.

Lets start of with some ...

***

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the Boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk.

"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but you're being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know Boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, you're coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, General."

***

Military Common Sense Rules

A lot of life's problems can be explained by the U.S. Military and its applications of common sense ...

1. "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
(Paul Rodriguez)

2. "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
(Army's magazine of preventive maintenance ).

3. "Aim towards the Enemy."
(Instruction printed on US M79 Rocket Launcher)

4. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
(U.S. Marine Corps)

5. Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.
(U.S. Air Force)

6. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
(Infantry Journal)

7. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
(US Air Force Manual)

8. Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.
(Gen. MacArthur)

9. Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.
(Infantry Journal)

10. You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me.
(Marine Gunnery Sergeant)

11. Tracers work both ways.
(US Army Ordnance)

12. Five second fuses only last three seconds.
(Infantry Journal)

13. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything.
(US Navy Seaman)

14. Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.
(David Hackworth)

15. If your attack is going too well, you have walked into an ambush.
(Infantry Journal)

16. No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection.
(Joe Gay)

17. Any ship can be a minesweeper... once.
(Admiral Hornblower)

18. Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
(Unknown Marine Recruit)

19. Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
(Your Buddies)

20. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.
(Army Platoon Sergeant)

21. If you find yourself in a fair fight, you didn't plan your mission properly.
(David Hackworth)

22. Your job is to kill the other person before they kill you so that your national leaders can negotiate a peace that will last as long as it takes the ink to dry.
(Drill Instructor)

23. In the Navy, the Chief is always right.
(Written on the door into the Chiefs quarters)

[OneShot]

Found this today over at SimHQ here

DRILL PRESS:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW. .."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW:

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to Transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:

A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:

A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

AIR COMPRESSOR:

A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a ChicagoPneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off theirheads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used asa kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines,refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing workclothes, but only while in use.

DAMMIT TOOL:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,the next tool that you will need.

[Camaro_1]

Awesome. As an Industrial Arts Teacher, I think i may make this into a handout for my students, LOL

[OneShot]

Old but great ... digged it up today in scuttlebutt.

NAVY Ranks

ADMIRAL: Leaps tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a
locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water,
and gives policy to God.

CAPTAIN: Leaps short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than
a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on
water if the sea is calm, and talks to God.

COMMANDER: Leaps short buildings with a running start and a favorable
wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is faster
than a speeding B-B, walks on water in an indoor swimming pool,
and talks to God if a special request is approved.

LT. COMMANDER: Barely clears quonset huts, loses tugs-of-war with locomotives,
can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occasionally
addressed by God.

LIEUTENANT: Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by
locomotives, can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting
self-injury, can dog paddle, and talks to animals.

LIEUTENANT JG: Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three
times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly
instructed, and talks to water.

ENSIGN: Falls over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says
"Look at the Choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol, and
mumbles to himself.

NCO: Lifts buildings and walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track,
catches speeding bullets in his teeth and chews them. Freezes water with
a single glance. He IS God!

SEAMAN: Builds the buildings, lays the track and drives the trains, is
responsible for arms and munitions, doesn't drink water, only beer.
God smiles on him.

Explanation of the Rank insignia

The young Ensign approached the crusty old Chief and asked him about the origin of the commissioned office insignias.
"Well, Ensign, it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a Lieutenant Junior Grade represents value, but less malleable. When you make Lieutenant, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars.

"As a Captain, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As an Admiral, you're obviously a star. That answer your question?"

"Yeah, but what about Commanders and Lieutenant Commanders?"

"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we've always covered our pricks with leaves . . . "

[OneShot]

Photo from usmilitary.about.com

A man who wants to blown straight to hell and the guy who's going to help him get there. - Hong Kong Bob

Found at usmilitary.about.com in the Humor section, Military Photo of the Week / Contest 7.

[OneShot]

A prayer for the stressed.....

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work.... 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday, 5% on Fridays and help me to remember... When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to "Fuck off".

[OneShot]

Fighter Pilot Pearls

It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure.

Landing on the ship during the daytime is like sex, it's either good or it's great. Landing on the ship at night is like a trip to the dentist, you may get away with no pain, but you just don't feel comfortable.

Now I know what a dog feels like watching TV. A DC-9 captain trainee attempting to check out on the 'glass cockpit' A-320.

A checkride ought to be like a skirt, short enough to be interesting but still be long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

A "GOOD" landing is one from which you can walk away.
A "GREAT" landing is one after which you can use the airplane again

If you've got time to spare, go by air. (More time yet? Go by jet.)

It only takes two things to fly, airspeed and money.

The similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies. If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between a duck and a co-pilot? The duck can fly.

It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground.

If it doesn't work, rename it. If that doesn't help, the new name isn't long enough.

Please don't tell Mum I'm a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.

Will Rogers never met a fighter pilot.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines is that the engine usually quits whining when it gets to the gate. (I met her on American Airlines flight from O'Hare to El Paso.)

If it's ugly, it's British; if it's weird, it's French; and if it's ugly
and weird, it's Russian.

New FAA motto: We're not happy, till you're not happy.

A copilot is a knothead until he spots opposite direction traffic at 12 o'clock, after which he's a goof-off for not seeing it sooner.

Without ammunition the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

I give that landing a 9 . . . on the Richter scale.

Pilots are just plane people with a special air about them.

Basic Flying Rules

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.

2. Do not go near the edges of it.

3. The edges of the air can be recognised by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.

Welcome to a new co-pilot from an old captain: "Son, your wife's legs have more time in the air than you do."

Unknown landing signal officer to carrier pilot after his 6th unsuccessful landing: "You've got to land here son, this is where the food is."

[OneShot]

Lessons of a Vietnam Helicopter Crewman

1. Once you are in the fight, it is way too late to wonder if this is a good idea.

2. Helicopters are cool!

3. It is a fact that helicopter tail rotors are instinctively drawn toward trees, stumps, rocks, etc. While it may be possible to ward off this natural event some of the time, it cannot, despite the best efforts of the crew, always be prevented. It's just what they do.

4. NEVER get into a fight without more ammunition than the other guy.

5. The engine RPM, and the rotor RPM, must BOTH be kept in the GREEN. Failure to heed this commandment can affect the morale of the crew.

6. A billfold in your hip pocket can numb your leg and be a real pain in the ass.

7. Cover your Buddy, so he can be around to cover you.

8. Letters from home are not always great.

9. The madness of war can extract a heavy toll. Please have exact change.

10. Share everything. Even the Pound Cake.

11. Decisions made by someone over your head will seldom be in your best interest.

12. The terms "Protective Armor" and "Helicopter" are mutually exclusive.

13. The further away you are from your friends, the less likely it is that they can help you when you really need them the most.

14. Sometimes, being good and lucky still was not enough. There is always payback.

15. "Chicken Plates" are not something you order in a restaurant.

16. If everything is as clear as a bell, and everything is going exactly as planned, you're about to be surprised.

17. The BSR (Bang Stare Read) Theory states that the louder the sudden bang in the helicopter, the quicker your eyes will be drawn to the gauges.

18. The longer you stare at the gauges, the less time it takes them to move from green to red.

19. It does too get cold in Vietnam.

20. No matter what you do, the bullet with your name on it will get you. So too can the ones addressed "To Whom It May Concern".

21. Gravity: It may not be fair, but it is the law.

22. If the rear echelon troops are really happy, the front line troops probably do not have what they need.

23. If you are wearing body armor, the incoming will probably miss that part.

24. It hurts less to die with a uniform on than to die in a hospital bed.

25. Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

26. If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.

27. Eat when you can. Sleep when you can. Vist the head when you can. The next opportunity may not come around for a long time. If ever.

28. Combat pay is a flawed concept.

29. Having all your body parts intact and functioning at the end of the day beats the alternative.

30. Air superiority is NOT a luxury.

31. If you are allergic to lead it is best to avoid a war zone.

32. It is a bad thing to run out of airspeed, altitude, and ideas all at the same time.

32a. Nothing is as useless as altitude above you and runway behind you.

33. While the rest of the crew may be in the same predicament, it's almost always the pilot's job to arrive at the crash site first.

34. When you shoot your gun, clean it the first chance you get.

35. Loud sudden noises in a helicopter WILL get your undivided attention.

36. Hot garrison chow is better than hot C-rations, which, in turn is better than cold C-rations, which is better than no food at all. All of these, however, are preferable to cold rice balls (given to you by guards) even if they do have the little pieces of fish in them.

37. WHAT is often more important than WHY.

38. Boxes of cookies from home must be shared.

39. Girlfriends are fair game. Wives are not.

40. Everybody's a hero on the ground in the club after the fourth drink.

41. There is no such thing as a small firefight.

42. A free-fire zone has nothing to do with economics.

43. The farther you fly into the mountains, the louder the strange engine noises become.

44. Medals are OK, but having your body and all your friends in one piece at the end of the day is better.

44a. The only medal you really want to be awarded is the Longevity Medal.

45. Being shot hurts.

46. Thousands of Vietnam Veterans earned medals for bravery every day. A few were even awarded.

48. Running out of pedal, fore or aft cyclic, or collective are all bad ideas. Any combination of these can be deadly.

49. Nomex is NOT fire proof.

50. There is only one rule in war: When you win, you get to make up the Rules.

51. Living and dying can both hurt a lot.

53. While a Super Bomb could be considered one of the four essential building blocks of life, powdered eggs cannot.

54. C-4 can make a dull day fun.

55. Cocoa Powder is neither.

56. There is no such thing as a fair fight, only ones where you win or lose.

57. If you win the battle you are entitled to the spoils. If you lose you don't care.

58. Nobody cares what you did yesterday or what you are going to do tomorrow. What is important is what you are doing NOW to solve our problem.

59. If you have extra, share it quickly.

60. Always make sure someone has a P-38.

61. A sucking chest wound may be God's way of telling you it's time to go home.

62. Prayer may not help . . . but it can't hurt.

63. Flying is better than walking. Walking is better than running. Running is better than crawling. All of these however, are better than extraction by a Med-Evac, even if this is technically a form of flying.

64. If everyone does not come home none of the rest of us can ever fully come home either.

65. Do not fear the enemy, for your enemy can only take your life. It is far better that you fear the media, for they will steal your HONOR.

66. A grunt is the true reason for the existence of the helicopter. Every helicopter flying in Vietnam had one real purpose: To help the grunt. It is unfortunate that many helicopters never had the opportunity to fulfill their one true mission in life simply because someone forgot this fact.

67. "You have the right to remain silent" is always EXCELLENT advice.

[OneShot]

The Commandments of Operational Security (OPSEC)

I. Thou shalt not park thy helicopter in the open, for it bringeth the rain of steel.

II. Thou shalt not expose thy shiny mess gear, for it bringeth unwanted guests to chow.

III. Thou shalt not wear white T-shirts, or thine enemies will dye them red.

IV. Thou shalt provide overhead concealment, for thine enemies' eyes are upon thee.

V. Thou shalt cover thy tall antenna, for fly swatters groweth not in yon wood.

VI. Thou shalt use a red lens on thy flashlight, or it shall appear as a star in the East.

VII. Thou shalt cover the glass on thy vehicle, for the glare telleth thine enemy thy location.

VIII. Thou shalt blend with thy surroundings, for trees groweth not in yon desert.

IX. Thou shalt cover the tracks of thy vehicle, for they draweth pretty pictures.

X. Thou shalt cover thy face, hands, and helmet, for thine enemies maketh war not on bushes.

XI. Thou shalt not drape thy net on thy tent, for it looketh like tent draped in net.

XII. Thou shalt hide the wires of thy commo, for they pointeth to thee.

XIII. Thou shalt practice the art of dispersion, or one round will finish you all.

XIV. Thou shalt pick up thy trash and litter, for they exposeth thy presence.

XV. Thou shalt conceal the noise of thy generator, for thine enemies are listening.

[OneShot]

Fun with the ATC

If you've ever wondered about conversations between pilots and controllers, you'll find these illuminating: Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off line:
Unknown aircraft: "I'm bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid!"

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked: "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following.
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."


One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said: "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign: Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
US Air 2771: "Yes, ma'am,"
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

I don't know if these were already posted but some of them had me in stitches!

--------------------------------------------

Cessna 152: "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred"
Controller: "Roger, contact Houston Space Center"

---

727 pilot: "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?"
Controller: "Roger, give me four thousand dollars worth."

---

Beech Baron: Uh, ATC, verify you want me to taxi in front of the 747.
ATC: Yeah, it's OK. He's not hungry.

---

Student Pilot: "I'm lost; I'm over a lake and heading toward the big E."
Controller: "Make several 90 degree turns so I can identify you on radar."
(short pause)...
Controller: "Okay then. That lake is the Atlantic Ocean. Suggest you turn to
the big W immediately ..."

---

Pilot: "Approach, Acme Flt 202, with you at 12,000' and 40 DME."
Approach: "Acme 202, cross 30 DME at and maintain 8000'."
Pilot: "Approach, 202's unable that descent rate."
Approach: "What's the matter 202? Don't you have speed brakes?"
Pilot: "Yup. But they're for my mistakes. Not yours."

---

Tower: "...and for your information, you were slightly to the left of the centerline on that approach."
Speedbird: "That's correct; and, my First Officer was slightly to the right"

---

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to departure...by the way as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "National 63 cleared for takeoff...did you copy the report from Eastern?"
National 63: "Roger, Tower, cleared for takeoff... yes, we've already notified our caterers."

---

Controller: "USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.60.
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.60!"
(pause)
Controller: "USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!"
Pilot: "Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd get a better response!"

---

Pilot: "Approach, Federated 303's with at 8000' for vectors ILS, full stop.
Approach: "Unable Federated 303. The ILS is out of service."
Pilot: "We'll take the VOR then."
Approach: "Sir, the VOR's in alarm right now. Standby."
Pilot: "OK, guess it'll have to be the ADF then."
Approach: "303, unable the ADF right now for traffic saturation."
Pilot: "OK, approach. State my intentions."

---

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."

---

Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement"
Pilot: "How can I possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?"
Tower: "At 4000 ft you will miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of a racket".

---

Pilot with Southern drawl: Birdseed Approach, Barnburner 123 with ya at seven thousand, with Information -- excuse the expression -- Yankee.

---

BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."

---

Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy. Taxi, Destination Stockton
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport

---

Controller: "FAR1234 confirm your type of aircraft. Are you an Airbus 330 or 340?"
Pilot: "A340 of course!"
Controller: "Then would you mind switching on the two other engines and give me a 1000 feet per minute, please?"

---

Controller: "AAL235 contact tower on 117.30"
Pilot: "Roger, tower on 123.50"

---

Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected."

---

Pilot: "Bratislava Tower, this is Oscar Oscar Kilo estabished ILS 16."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, Guten Tag, cleared to land 16, wind calm and by the way: this is Wien Tower."
Pilot: (short break) "Bratislava Tower, Oscar Oscar Kilo passed the outer marker."
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo roger, and once more: you are approaching Vienna!"
Pilot: (short break again) "Confirm, this is NOT Bratislava?"
Tower: "You can believe me, this is Vienna!
Pilot: (once again short break) "But why? We want to go to Bratislava, not to Vienna!"
Tower: "Oscar Oscar Kilo, roger. Discontinue approach, turn left and climb to 5000 feet, vectors to Bratislava."

---

Tower (in Stuttgart): "Lufthansa 5680, reduce to 170 knots."
Pilot: "This is here like Frankfurt. There is also only 210 and 170 knots...But we are flexible."
Tower: "We too. Reduce to 173 knots."

---

Pilot: "... request heading to avoid."
Controller: "To avoid what?"
Pilot: "To avoid further delay."

---

Tower: "Hawk 20, is this the same aircraft declaring emergency about two hours ago ?"
Pilot: "Negative, Sir. It's only the same pilot."

---

Tower: "Delta Zulu Romeo, turn right now and report your heading."
Pilot: "Wilco. 341, 342, 343, 344, 345..."

---

Pilot Trainee: "Tower, please speak slowly, I am a baby in English and lonely in the cockpit"

---

Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar climb four thousand to six thousand and maintain."
Pilot: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climbing flight level 100."
Tower: "Hotel Papa Oscar, climb to flight level 60 and maintain."
Pilot: "But four plus six is ten, isn't it?"
Tower: "You should climb, not add up."

---

A beautiful summer day with good thermals, near Billund airport, Denmark:
Billund ATC: "Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?"
82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet."
D5: "Same position, same altitude."
ATC (cool, dry voice): "So should I go get my collision report form??"

---

München II Tower: "LH 8610 cleared for take-off."
Pilot (LH 8610): "But we are not even landed."
Tower: Yes, who is then standing at 26 south ? "
Pilot (LH 8801): "LH 8801."
Tower: "OK, then you are cleared for take-off."

---

London Controller: "CBN438 you are cleared direct Dover VOR."
Pilot: "Roger, copy cleared direct Kosky VOR."
Controller: "Ok, cleared direct Kosky VOR."

---

Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, there's an aircraft on the runway!"
Pilot Trainee: "Roger" (pilot continues approach)
Tower: "Aircraft, I said GO AROUND!!!"!
Pilot Trainee: "Roger"
The trainee doesn't react, lands the aircraft on the numbers, rolls to a twin standing in the middle of the runway, goes around the twin and continues to the taxiway.

---

Tower: "Mission 123, do you have problems?"
Pilot: "I think, I have lost my compass."
Tower: "Judging the way you are flying, you lost the whole instrument panel!"

---

Controller: "CRX600, are you on course to SUL?"
Pilot: "More or less."
Controller: "So proceed a little bit more to SUL."

---

Pilot: "Good morning, Frankfurt ground, KLM 242 request start up and push back, please."
Tower: "KLM 242 expect start up in two hours."
Pilot: "Please confirm: two hours delay?"
Tower: "Affirmative."
Pilot: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"

---

Pilot: "FLX 30, we just have a few gallons of fuel."
Tower: "Please give us your position, we dont see you at the radar!"
Pilot: "We are standing at runway 2 and want to know, when the fuel truck will come!"

---

Washington D.C., Clearance Delivery: "GAF269, you are cleared to destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation read back."
GAF 269: "Roger German Air Force 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off radar vectors to 4000 feet thereafter present position direct BOM do not pass BOM at 6000 feet or below after passing 15000 feet turn right on heading 280 to intercept J156 direct ZZT thereafter intercept J158 own navigation and I need another pencil."

---

Controller: "Air Force 53, it appears your engine has... oh... disregard, I see you've already ejected."

[OneShot]

What Action Officers say and what they mean ...

• Essentially Complete = It's half done
• Schedule Exposure = It slipped three weeks ago
• We predict = We hope to God!
• Design is lagging = Not a single thing exists
• Risk is high but acceptable = 100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the people, we stand a 50/50 chance
• Potential show stopper = The team has updated their resumes
• Serious but not insurmountable problems = It'll take a miracle
• Basic agreement has been reached = The @##$%%'s won't even talk to us
• Results are being quantified = We're massaging the numbers so that they will agree with our conclusions
• Task force to review = 7 people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project
• Not well defined = Nobody's even thought about it
• Still analyzing the requirements = See previous answer
• Not well understood = Now that we've thought about it, we don't want to think about it anymore
• Requires further analysis and management attention = Totally out of control
• Results are promising. = Turned power on and no smoke detected!

[OneShot]

Staff officers say the strangest things..... (UNCLASSIFIED)

This is a series of collected comments, made by American staff officers since 9/11, overheard and herein assembled for your edification, amusement and horror.

The original author of this collection wishes to remain anonymous, and thus preserve his promotion prospects.

"I finally figured out that when a Turkish officer tells you, "It's no problem," he means, for him." Maj (EUCOM, European Command, which is in charge of American operations in Europe)

"Never in the history of the US Armed Forces have so many done so much for so few..." MAJ (Task Force Warrior) on the "success" of the Free Iraqi Forces (FIF) Training Program, where 1100 Army troops trained 77 Iraqi exiles at the cost of, well, way too much...

"Our days are spent trying to get some poor, unsuspecting third world country to pony up to spending a year in a sweltering desert, full of pissed off Arabs who would rather shave the back of their legs with a cheese grater than submit to foreign occupation by a country for whom they have nothing but contempt." LTC (JS) on the joys of coalition building

"OSD (Office of the Secretary of Defense) will continue to drive this cart into the ground long after the wheels have been sold on E-bay." MAJ (JS) on the progress of FIF (Free Iraqi Forces)

"Please don't laugh. This is my job." Maj (EUCOM) from Protocol, explaining in great detail the approved procedures for dropping off VIPs

"I guess the next thing they'll ask for is 300 US citizens with Hungarian last names to send to Iraq..." MAJ (JS) on the often-frustrating process of building the Iraqi coalition for Phase IV

"If we wait until the last minute to do it, it'll only take a minute." MAJ (EUCOM)

"The only reason that anything ever gets done is because there are pockets of competence in every command. The key is to find them...and then exploit the hell out of 'em." CDR (CENTCOM, Central Command, which is in charge operations in Iraq and Afghanistan))

"Working with Hungary is like watching a bad comedy set on auto repeat..." LCDR (EUCOM)

"Between us girls, would it help to clarify the issue if you knew that Hungary is land-locked?" CDR to MAJ (EUCOM) on why a deployment from Hungary is likely to proceed by air vice sea

"We are condemned men who are chained and will row in place until we rot." LtCol (CENTCOM) on life at his Command

"Right now we're pretty much the ham in a bad ham sandwich..." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"So, what do you wanna do?"...
"I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?"...
"I dunno, what do YOU wanna do?," etc. COL (DIA) describing the way OUSD(S) (Undersecretary of Defense for Strategy) develops and implements their strategies

"Let's face it: Africa sucks..." DOS representative (Bureau of African Affairs) at a conference on Africa

"One of the secrets to maintaining my positive attitude in this job is this: I complete no tasker before its time..." MAJ (EUCOM)

"It is nothing for US soldiers to be in the desert for a year without a woman. It is different for us, though, because we are Latin..." LTC (LATAM country) on one of the differences between Latin American soldiers and their US counterparts

"I'll be right back. I have to go pound my nuts flat..." Lt Col (EUCOM) after being assigned a difficult tasker

"I guess this is the wrong power cord for the computer, huh?" LtCol (EUCOM) after the smoke cleared from plugging his 110V computer into a 220V outlet

"OK, this is too stupid for words." LTC (JS)

"When you get right up to the line that you're not supposed to cross, the only person in front of you will be me!" CDR (CENTCOM) on his view of the value of being politically correct in today's military

"There's nothing wrong with crossing that line a little bit, it's jumping over it buck naked that will probably get you in trouble..." Lt Col (EUCOM) responding to the above

"I may be slow, but I do poor work..." MAJ (USAREUR)

"Great! What we really need are some more 0-5s (Lieutenant Colonel) around here..." MAJ (EUCOM) on the release of the list of 0-5 promotables

"Don't ever be the first...don't ever be the last...and don't ever volunteer to do anything...." CDR (EUCOM) relating an ancient Navy truism

"Hey, somebody should really do that..." CDR (CENTCOM) on the CENTCOM tasking process

"Are you sure they aren't writing about us? Hell, at least we should jump on that wholesale desertion thing..." Maj (CENTCOM) on the following report from a newspaper:
"(The Iraqi military was crippled by)...a multitude of erratic orders and strategic miscalculations, while its fighting units barely communicated with one another and were paralyzed from a lack of direction...these woes were compounded by incompetence, poor preparation, craven leadership and (the) wholesale desertions of thousands of soldiers..."

"Cynicism is the smoke that rises from the ashes of burned out dreams." Maj (CENTCOM) on the daily thrashings delivered to AOs (Action Officers) at his Command

"WE are the reason that Rumsfeld hates us..." LTC (EUCOM) doing some standard, Army self-flagellation

"South of the Alps and East of the Adriatic, paranoia is considered mental equilibrium..."

"The chance of success in these talks is the same as the number of "R's" in "fat chance..."" GS-15 (SHAPE)

"His knowledge on that topic is only power point deep..." MAJ (JS)

"We have no position on that issue. In fact, your position IS our position. Could you tell us what our position is?" CDR (TRANSCOM, Transportation Command) at a policy SVTC (Secure Video Teleconference)

"Ya know, in this Command, if the world were supposed to end tomorrow, it would still happen behind schedule." CWO4 (Chief Warrant Officer) (ret) (EUCOM)

"Even if Al-Qaeda nuked this place, the Chief of Staff would approve a 4-star visitor the very next day!" GS-12 (US government employee, grade 12) (EUCOM)

"Never pet a burning dog." LTC (Tennessee National Guard)

"It's basically announcing to the world that I've completely given up." LT (USN F-14 squadron) on his initial feelings behind the wheel of his brand new minivan

"A staff action is like getting an out of state check, countersigned by a fraud on a phony ID: some of the time it clears, but most of the time, you're screwed." Lt Col (USAF)

"I need intelligence, not information." Maj (EUCOM)

"Ah, the joys of Paris: a unique chance to swill warm wine and be mesmerized by the dank ambrosia of unkempt armpits..." LCDR (NAVEUR)

"'Status quo,' as you know, is Latin for 'the mess we're in...'" Attributed to former President Ronald Reagan

"We are now past the good idea cutoff point..." MAJ (JS) on the fact that somebody always tries to "fine tune" a COA with more "good ideas"

"Who are you talking to? ...Hang up the phone!" Lt Col mentoring MAJ (EUCOM) on how to stay in his own lane...

"The hardest thing about having a third child is switching from 1-on-1 to a zone defense." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Nobody ever said you had to be smart to make 0-6 (Colonel)." Col (EUCOM)

"I haven't complied with a darn thing and nothing bad has happened to me yet."

"Whatever happened to good old-fashioned military leadership? Just task the first two people you see."

"The first question I ask myself when tasked to do something that's not obviously and overwhelmingly in my own best interest is, 'Exactly what happens if I don't do it?'"

"Accuracy and attention to detail take a certain amount of time."

"No need to tip our hand as to how responsive we can be." CDR (EUCOM) in a passdown to his replacement

"I seem to be rapidly approaching the apex of my mediocre career." MAJ (JS)

"I think that my next set of orders will take me to Iraq. My career's going so badly that I'm considered a 'dead-ender.'" LtCol (EUCOM)

"I just realized that this War on Terror might take a little longer than we thought, so I am developing a new system of hanging charts on walls to solve our problem and win the war." LTC (EUCOM) after a
review of long range Counter Terrorism (CT) plans

"Much work remains to be done before we can announce our total failure to make any progress."

"None of us is as dumb as all of us." Excerpted from a brief (EUCOM)

"Things are looking up for us here. In fact, Papua-New Guinea is thinking of offering two platoons: one of Infantry (headhunters) and one of engineers (hut builders). They want to eat any Iraqis they kill. We've got no issues with that, but State is being anal about it." LTC (JS) on OIF coalition-building

"It's not a lot of work unless you have to do it." LTC (EUCOM)

"I'm gonna have to leave work early today and probably stay home tomorrow. I'm fighting off a cold and I want to beat it before I start my leave in two days." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Creating smoking holes gives our lives meaning and enhances our manliness." LTC (EUCOM) at a CT conference

"Interagency is a process, not a noun." Anonymous (EUCOM)

"Eventually, we have to 'make nice' with the French, although, since I'm new in my job, I have every expectation that I'll be contradicted." DOS (Department of State) rep at a Counter Terrorism Conference

"Everyone should have an equal chance, but not everyone is equal."

"I am so far down the food chain that I've got plankton bites on my butt."

"You can get drunk enough to do most anything, but you have to realize going in that there are some things that, once you sober up and realize what you have done, will lead you to either grab a 12-gauge or
stay drunk for the rest of your life."

"Once you accept that a dog is a dog, you can't get upset when it barks." Lt Col (USSOCOM), excerpts

"That guy just won't take 'yes' for an answer." MAJ (EUCOM)

"Let's just call Lessons Learned what they really are: institutionalized scab picking."

"I can describe what it feels like being a Staff Officer in two words: distilled pain." CDR (NAVEUR)

"When all else fails, simply revel in the absurdity of it all." LCDR (CENTCOM)

"Never attribute to malice that which can be ascribed to sheer stupidity." LTC (CENTCOM)

"They also serve, who sit and surf the NIPR (the Department of Defense's private internet)." CPT (CENTCOM)

"I hear so much about Ft. Bragg. Where is it?"
"It's in the western part of southeastern North Carolina."
LCDR and CPT (EUCOM)

"I've become the master of nodding my head and acting like I give a sh!t, and then instantly forgetting what the hell a person was saying the moment they walk away." Flag-level Executive Assistant

"Mark my words, this internet thing is gonna catch on someday." LTC (EUCOM)

"You're not a loser. You're just not my kind of winner..." GS-14 (OSD)

"He who strives for the minimum rarely attains it." GS-12 (DOS)

"I'm tired of waiting on somebody who I know is just going to ignore me once they arrive." Lt Col (EUCOM), while waiting to start a brief for a visiting VIP

"If I'd had more time, I'da written a shorter brief..." Derived from the writings of Mark Twain

"Vision without funding is hallucination." Maj (EUCOM)

"I work at EUCOM. I know bullsh!t when I see it." LTC (EUCOM) in a game of office poker

"You only know as much as you don't know." GO (EUCOM)

"I'm just livin' the dream..." EUCOM staffer response to the question, "How's it going?" or, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just ranting...I have nothing useful to say." LTC (EUCOM)

"Why would an enemy want to bomb this place and end all the confusion?" GS-14 (EUCOM)

"How soon before we can give this guy a medal, a good OER, and send him on his way?" GS-12 (EUCOM) referring to his boss

"Other than the fact that there's no beer, an early curfew and women that wear face coverings for a reason, Kabul is really a wonderful place to visit." LTC (CENTCOM)

"It was seen, visually." LTC (EUCOM) during a Reconnaissance briefing

"Let me tell you about the benefits of being on a staff..."
"This should be a short conversation."
LtCol to Lt Col (EUCOM)

"If you want to take down a country, gimme a call. We'll get it done." GO/FO (EUCOM) to a gathering of US Amba$$adors

"Hello gentlemen. Are we in today or are you just ignoring my request?" GS-15 (DSCA) in an email to EUCOM staffers

"After seeing the way this place works, I bet that Mickey Mouse wears a EUCOM watch." Maj (EUCOM)

"Your Key Issues are so 2003..." CPT (CJTF-180) in January 2004

"USCENTCOM commanders announced today that they intend to maintain their presence in Qatar "until the sun runs out of hydrogen," thus committing the US to the longest duration deployment in human history. When asked how they planned to maintain the presence in Qatar for a projected length of 4 to 5 billion years, planners said "we're working on a plan for that. We don't have one yet, but not having a plan or an intelligent reason to do something has never been much of an impediment for us in the past; we don't foresee it being a big show stopper for us in the future either." Among the options that were being discussed was an innovative program to "interbreed" the deployed personnel. "We are going to actively encourage the military members in Qatar to intermarry and raise children that will replace them in the future. Sure, it may be a little hard on some of our female service members, since there currently are about 8 men for every woman over there, but we expect that to be OBE as the sex ratios will even out in a generation or two. In any case the key to the plan is to make these assignments not only permanent, but inheritable and hereditary. For example, if you currently work the JOC weather desk, so will your children, and their children, and their children, ad infinitum. We like to think of it as job security." CPT (CJTF-180)

"That's FUBIJAR." COL (CENTCOM) (Fu--ed Up, But I'm Just a Reservist... )

"As far as I'm concerned, I'm the only one that matters in here." COL (CENTCOM)

"No matter how hard this Command beats me down, I am still able to get it up." Maj (EUCOM)

"I keep myself confused on purpose, just in case I am captured and fall into enemy hands!" GO/FO (CENTCOM)

"Cheese-dickery abounds at this Command." LtCol (EUCOM)

"Does anybody around here remember if I did anything this year?" LTC (EUCOM) preparing his Officer Evaluation Report support form

"This is all happening because we had the sympathetic detonation of a stress grenade." Maj (EUCOM) after an insignificant issue became a theater focus because somebody used the "Reply all" function

"I'd be happy to classify this document for you. Could you tell me its classification?" GS11 (EUCOM) in an email from the Foreign Disclosure office

"Nothing is too good for you guys...and that's exactly what you're gonna get..." LTC (EUCOM) describing the way Army policy is formulated

"The only thing that sucks worse than being me is being you..." LTC (EUCOM)

"Why should I worry? Nobody here outranks me by that much." MAJ (SOCEUR) briefing a group of 0-6s

"I have to know what I don't know..." Col (CENTCOM) during a shift changeover briefing

"No. Now I'm simply confused at a higher level..." Foreign GO/FO when asked if he had any questions following a transformation brief at JFCOM

"I'm planning on taking the weekend off...notionally..." LT (EUCOM) midway through a huge, simulated command exercise

"'Leaning forward' is really just the first phase of 'falling on your face.'" Col (MARFOREUR)

"I've heard of 'buzzwords' before but I have never experienced a 'buzz sentence' or a 'buzz paragraph' until today." Maj (EUCOM) after listening to a JFCOM trainer/mentor

"We've got to start collaborating between the collaboration systems."
"Our plan for the Olympics is to take all the ops and put it in the special room we have developed for ops." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"Did you hear that they're canning Bob Edwards on NPR?"
"Why? Did they catch him standing up for the National Anthem or something??" COL to CDR (EUCOM)

"Not to be uncooperative, but we're just being uncooperative." CDR (EUCOM) in an email response to a request for information

"We're from the nuke shop, sir. We're the crazy aunt in the closet that nobody likes to talk about ..." LtCol to GO/FO (EUCOM) in briefings

"We the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much for so long with so little, that we are now qualified to do anything with nothing." Anonymous, but classic...

"The 'L' in CENTCOM stands for leadership..."

"At this Command, we have written in large, black letters: DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) on the back of our security badges." Maj (CENTCOM)

"He cloaked himself in an impenetrable veneer of terminology." Lt Col (JFCOM) describing the JFCOM alpha male

"Transformation has long been the buzzword for those that are dispossessed, dispirited and disillusioned..." Chaplain (EUCOM), allegedly talking about the Disciples...

"There are more disconnects on this issue than CENTCOM has staff officers." GO/FO (EUCOM)

"Is that a Navy or a Marine admiral?" MAJ (EUCOM)

[OneShot]

New Recruit Training Standards

WASHINGTON - (AP) In an effort to ensure proper training and readiness among the military services, Congress has approved the following changes to basic principles of recruit training:

HAIRCUTS:

Marines-heads will be shaved.

Army-flat-tops for all recruits.

Navy-no haircut standard.

Air Force-complete makeovers as seen on the Jenny Jones show.


TRAINING HOURS:

Marines-rise at 0500, train until 2000.

Army-rise at 0600, train until 1900.

Navy-rise at 0900, train until 1100, lunch til 1300, train till 1600.

Air Force-rise at 1000, breakfast in bed, lunch at 1200, nap at 1400, training ceases at 1500.


MEALS:

Marines-Meals-Ready-to-Eat 3 times a day.

Army-one hot meal, 2 MRE's.

Navy-3 hot meals.

Air Force-catered meals prepared by the Galloping Gourmet, Julia Childs, and Wolfgang Puck. All you can eat.


LEAVE and LIBERTY:

Marines-none.

Army-4 hours a week.

Navy-2 days a week.

Air Force-for every four hours of training, recruits will receive eight hours of leave and liberty.


PROTOCOL:

Marines-will address all officers as "Sir" and refer to the rank of all enlisted members when speaking to them (i.e. Sgt Smith).

Army-will address all officers as "Sir", unless they are friends, and will call all enlisted personnel Sarge.

Navy-will address all officers as Skipper, and all enlisted personnel as Chief.

Air Force-all Air Force personnel shall be on a first name basis with all other personnel.


DECORATIONS/AWARDS:

Marines-medals and badges are awarded for acts of gallantry and bravery.

Army-medals and badges are awarded for every bullet fired, hand grenade thrown,

fitness test passed, and bed made.

Navy-will have ships engineers make medals for them as needed.

Air Force-will be issued all medals as they will most likely be awarded them at some point early in their careers.


CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORMS:

Marines-work uniform, to be worn only during training and in field situations.

Army-will wear it anytime, anywhere.

Navy-will not wear cammies, they do not camouflage you on a ship. Captains will make every effort to TRY to explain this to our sailors.

Air Force-will defeat the purpose of camouflage by putting blue and grey service chevrons and name tapes on them.


CAREER FIELDS:

Marines-all Marines shall be considered riflemen first and foremost.

Army-doesn't matter, all career fields promote to E-8 in first enlistment.

Navy-nobody knows. Navy still trying figure out what all the SMC, BNC, BSN, and all the other ratings things are.

Air Force-every recruit will be trained in a manner that will allow them to leave the service early to go on to higher paying civilian jobs.

[OneShot]

Military Work Rules

1. Sickness: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept the Medical Officer's statement as proof of illness as we believe that if you are able to go on sick parade, you are able to come to work.
2. Leave of Absence for an Operation: We are no longer allowing this practice. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
3. Death, Other than Your Own: This is no excuse. If you can arrange the funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off an hour early, provided all your work is up to date.
4. Death, Your Own: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we would like at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.
5. Quantity of Work: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
6. Quality of Work: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
7. Advice from the Commanding Officer: Eat a live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
8. The senior officer is Always Right.
9. When the senior officer is Wrong, Refer to Rule 8.

[OneShot]

An oldie but goodie ...

Some Ways For Old Salts to Simulate Being in the Navy

1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.

6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.

7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.

9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.

10. Listen to your favourite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favourite CD.

11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.

13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.

15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.

17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.

18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.

22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.

26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.

27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.

29. Remind yourself every day: 'it's not just a job, it's an adventure!'

30. Mix kerosene with your water supply to simulate the de-sal plant on the ship picking up JP5 in the intake -- if a lit match thrown into your coffee pot doesn't ignite it, add more kerosene.

31. Stand outside at attention at dawn and have the poorest reader you know read the morning paper outloud. Be sure to have him skip over anything pertinent.

32. Every four hours, check the fluid level in your car's radiator. Check the tire pressure and replace air lost from excessive pressure checks. Be sure to place red tag on ignition stating "DANGER: DO NOT OPERATE" while you perform these checks. Inform your neighbor as to the results of these checks, have him tell you to repeat the checks because he did not see you perform them.

33. Paint your house grey (exterior) include windows except for rooms you do not frequent, paint your car grey, paint your driveway a different shade of grey.

34. Wait outside your dining area as a family member eats a meal, then have that person serve you a meal prepared several hours earlier.

35. Shut all blinds and doors at sunset.

36. Clean your house 'till there's absolutely not a speck of dust anywhere. Call on a stranger to come inspect your house. Ensure stranger sees dust that has collected in the time it took to find him. Stranger cannot leave until he finds irrational fault with your house/belongings.

37. Hang Christmas lights in June. When the neighbors ask, say, "deceptive lighting."

38. Hang white lights when relatives visit. When neighbors ask, say, "friendship lights."